Motpgw

Thinking

2010-08-11T06:30:00.000-07:00

More often than naught,
people think.
But even more often that that,
people brood.

Brood till,
the loot of a hoot,
had a moot in the room,
with the pool in the woods,
like a boot with a hood,
like a root with a Woot!

Thinking about the things,
about their hurts
about their work
about their sufferings
about their failings
about their pains.
and they think,
about could have beens,
about had beens,
about would be,
about jelly beans,
about long beans,
about Stinky Beans!

In short,

excessive thinking hath rendered,
a logical sound mind,
with brilliancy devine,
into a jamble of brambles.

In even SHORTER TERMS,

Crazy.

So lets just learn,
to attain just that calm.
Just that peace.

Through
Your dear,
My dear,
Our Dear,

Father above.

Just learn to let go,
with a brighter outlook,
as tonight is a good night,
with tomorrow being a better night.

So heres,

GOOD NIGHT! (:

2010-08-09T06:52:00.001-07:00

Hmm i noticed this one trait about me. i always utilise the same method of escaping, playing games like crazy or reading to get away. far far away.

2010-08-08T23:22:00.001-07:00

i wonder what the heck was wrong with me yesterday.

2010-08-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
he sendeth more strength when the labors increase,
To added affliction He addeth His mercy,
to multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
when our strength has failed ere the day is half-done,
when we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
our Father's full giving is only begun.

His love has no limit, his grace has no measure,
his Power no boundary known unto men,
for our of his infitite riches in Jesus,
He giveth and giveth and giveth again.

well, im scared. kinda stupid, but twice bitten ten times the shyness. im really scared that im gonna get into that again. it was like dropping an anchor just now, but Why DID i feel that way??? omgoodness. im going nuts. think too much already. and who called other ppl paranoid? im Paranoid. hehehe NOID NOID ><

2010-07-30T08:56:00.001-07:00

tis gonna be a quick one.

omgosh seriously, i don't need that friend to appear in my dreams also. tt was creepy.

and sianzed probably failed my mmb already. AND ITS A RETEST. zomgosh. also had ccta ct 2. hmm next week quite hectic also, mon need to present on mango, and have prac test for imm, then on fri need to hand in ccta report, fri mmb ct 2, must chiong for this one. and the week after next the tues need to hand in the reports for mmb lab pracs. chiong and shiong arh ><

day 3 parents

2010-07-28T04:27:00.001-07:00

hmmm. dad and mum. well, its simple. i love both of them very much. i admire my dad for being a family man, would is always very concerned about the family, hardworking, he literally gives in his all. my mum is very generous and sensitive. both have flaws and i think i get along better with dad than with you mum. though i really loathe it when the two of you nag, i believe thats the nature of the parent child relationship of this era. i can't stand it when anyone jumps to conclusions and just push the blame to me also. but literally without you life would be so much different. im so similar to my dad in some ways, and in others similar to my mum. haha i think i picked all their flaws and non of their good points >< all the same, thank you for so so so much dad and mum (:

day 2 crush

2010-07-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

lol. moi's crush? thankfully i don't have one anymore. well, i told myself this that hmm. im defintely not ready for a bgr. so Nah. im going to avoid all of that currently. yeah... thinking that my maturity is seemingly in question here, as well as my personality and behavioural patterns are quite screwed up on occasion, so yeah, Not ready. so Nah. anyway im still so young! EIGHTEEN ONLY >< hahahahaha

day 1, best friend. LOL!

2010-07-26T06:50:00.000-07:00

well, its been a whale of a time from the time when we first talked to each other. we had this uncanny ability to be able to tell what the other is going to say next, though most of the time they were just the usual ' what!, but.... etc etc' hahahaha! we known each other for barely 2 years, yet we are already so close (: a result of our erm late night hths i guess ahahahaha! i put you at ease, you make me feel.. i dunno. like u make me feel.. normal, no need to worry overmuch, can just be Who i am, with the blur and retarded facades thrown aside. well, past months.. i guess u can tell that im a bottle, ppl tell me stuff, put into the bottle. my own stuff, put into bottle. then when it is full, crack, shatter, burn out. =P our blog seems dead ehh. hahahaha well, thanks for everything sm (: And i really loved the times when u actually Appeared online. =.= ahahahahaha! well, i loved our dates, our time spent walking together and just talking, lets do that sometime soon again okay? ((:

30 days of challenge.

2010-07-26T06:49:00.000-07:00

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

2010-07-24T07:19:00.000-07:00

i like kids because i long to be a kid once more cause i yearn for that simplicity.

2010-07-22T19:27:00.001-07:00

ZZZZ i woke up late today! lol im bored AND NO NO NO DON'T THINK SO MUCHz!

my birthday!

2010-07-21T04:19:00.000-07:00

Today was a blast. The 2nd best birthday ever. First was pri 6 (: haha so today… got 3 unexpected things that happened. First well, I got a…. a…. ohoh I remember! Like 11 of my friends sang happy birthday to me in like in the middle of mega bites?!? I was like stunned and I well, didn’t know how to react. Just like sec 4 manz! I was like… erm… erm… what should I be doing? Haha it was nice and thoughtful though. Next well, I got a bottle of wine, the small one, and a I dunno whats tt called that shirt from ken and the rest. Malick’s class was quite boring I was near slping but couldn’t really slp properly…. Went to the front for power, but when I wanted to go to the back to slp, or whatever, my way was blocked. Then then I met kylie at novena after like snacking like crazy at ion. Omgosh I feel soooo guilty. Yeah right. LOL. She gave me my birthday present which was like erm.. udders ice cream? We walked about and chatted non stop. Haha and and we were looking at flowers that she wanted to get for two of her friends the very next day. Interestingly enough, I got to know that she, tessa and jovi were in the same school but in different classes. Before I thought they were in the same class OR in different schools. Lol. When there wasn’t any flowers to be found at novena, or were too Ex, we trained down to Pasir ris. There she bought 2 bouquets or bunches of sweet Williams. Quite nice. Didn’t have time to visit my grandmother though. I had to rush back home to finish the stupid is video and ppt slides. Like URGH. Lol.

lol! Jie’s expression today was downright funny. Made me laugh like nuts. Haha! She looked good in that.. ermm….. dunno whats its called but some Indian traditional clothing. Erm I wonder… oh wells nevermind I forgot whats its called. AHHH! sari. Haha in short a nice and good day.

2010-07-19T22:09:00.001-07:00

im very short tempered recently. yess! says van. i slept at 1030 ytd but im still tired. ytd my day went from good to bad. and now, since its 21 july already, ytd my day went from bad to good in the last couple of minutes. okay tired, now time to slp. nighttos!

2010-07-17T07:57:00.000-07:00

i wonder who still reads my blog. haha BUT i loved today. first and foremost, saw ben and lester Again after sooooo long. and also Hui ling and Shi ying after SOOOO LONG TOO! and also soon and anna after seeing them in the morning TOO! haha! anyway its nice! like really nice! haha we went for a walk after dinner, food was alright i suppose. then then we just camped in my room where i was FORCED to talk about THAT once more. Hais. NO ONES GONNA LET ME FORGET IT >< oh wells. haha then they left in pairs, but i really enjoyed that short time together with them again. haha. zzzz now im killing ants in my room. i wish u all didn't get me gifts but i really enjoy them. haha and yeah hui ling, the bottle is still in my room, unused (: the pencil case too. haha i would rather keep it inside and well, couple more years down the road, open my drawer and think back to the good times that we shared (: also i got a bottle of made in candy sweets from my cousin, a red packets from my cousin, my uncle and my grandmother and a crumpler from my aunt. THANKS A MILLION EVEN THOUGH U ALL WON"T SEE THIS >< thanks for today guys! and P.s. maybe we all should get together another time. hehe u all would be fast friends i think hahahahaha!

2010-07-15T06:14:00.000-07:00

Kns KNs KNS! im getting bogged down and dragged into my friend's problems and woes. why? cause i comphrehend and bleeding feel what they feel too. dam and curse the thing called empathy. im feeling so tired, so worn out. one burnout after another. vicious cycle as usual oh drats.

2010-07-10T08:31:00.000-07:00

today i was super drowsy during meeting. as i am now. i slept for like 30 plus mins on the mrt from kembangan back to clementi. lol it was such an enjoyable 25 mins training with kylie from novena to eunos. we were constantly talking about goodness knows what. Lol! such a nice 25 mins. lol. then this morning. =.= EPIC FAIL. my dad didn't know we do not have piano.... THEN HE WOKE ME UP AT 8 30 AM TO BRING US OUT TO EAT. =.= then we went bukit timah nature reserve to hike... more like just sit and walk and stone for 45 mins for my dad to walk to the summit and back to the ranger station. LOL! oh well, my sis relived her childhood by playing the swing. LOL! it reminds me of the good old days where we used to play there like erm... 6-9 years ago? LOL!

2010-07-08T22:33:00.000-07:00

lol. this was probably the most enjoyable thing from yesterday, writing out this assigment. lol. but i found the format required was utter CRAP so i just hecked it. lol. now im awaiting the time whereby i can see ken tower over susan. anticipating it even. it would be quite and be relatively enjoyable. lol

Assignment 1

Social influence narration:

1. Social influence. It is the result of many factors, Envy, greed and a lack of acceptance of what the person currently has are some of those

reasons.

2. In our teenage life in poly, we get to meet people from different backgrounds, and with different lifestyles.

3. We get to meet people who are more well off than us, living in landed properties, which makes up the minority in housing in Urban Singapore. Seeing that one of my friends from our circle of friends living in a huge bungalow, it is a lie to say that we do not envy him.

4. Another example would be following the trends. We as teens would wan to be seen as in and cool, as ‘normal’ as the rest of the populace, so that we are not seen as the opposite, as weird or unglamorous.

5. One down to earth example, especially in poly, is BGRs. More I had met friends who want and long to get into a relationship, due to simply peer pressure, looking at their immediate circle of friends around them, envying those friends who are in a relationship and therefore want to be in one.

Social influence reflection:

Social influence in a result of the things we see around us, the influence that makes us want to be seen in a certain light, due to the result of greed and envy.

As the amount of people we meet, each with their very own background, ranging from the wealthy to the poor, that is one of the most common influences in society, the wealth factor.

As we view other people from the different social standings, we want to be seen as to be on the same level as the other person. Therefore we would want to have the same material stuff as the other person, so that one as a person can say that we are equal and not different.

Trends are the most easily described social influence. Because that’s what it simply is. Influences. We see Jonas brothers wearing tight fitting jeans, and that sparked the rage of tights in Singapore. We see the K pop boy bands having long hair, and that’s what many teens do too. Follow to be seen as in and not out.

In conclusion, social influences are basically, what we see our friends have, we want to follow. What we see as cool and in, we want to follow. It is just something that had blossomed out of envy and the need to be seen as In or cool or just simply normal. This affects society in more ways than one, mainly increasing the competiveness of people in their race to get more, and it would and may lead to people belittling others.

Construal narration:

Construal are basically the way we view things. I believe that playing the piano is a pain and that the daily practice that is required to master a song simply wears me out. Whereas others find it a joy to play the piano and find enjoyment in their music.

Another example would be one of myself again, hating soccer. I do not like soccer as I believe it to be a violent sport, though not as violent as rugby and wrestling, but people tend to lose their inhibitions and their senses when it comes to football, even rioting and fighting when the losing team’s supporters attack the winning team’s supporters.

I believe that relationships and friendships to be more important than anything else. They are the components which make my life meaningful and fulfilling, not the material needs like large houses etc.

Construal reflection:

1. In some sense, my parents had always belittled my achievements and always expect more than what I believe I can give. Therefore similarly in the aspect of playing the piano, I expect them to say the same and therefore do not give my all. In some sense they had ingrained in me unintentionally, a aspect where I think and believe this.

Me + piano= fail. So naturally it is harder for me to really sit down and have the patience to play the piano and I would give up much easier. This is the result of my experiences and the knowledge of how my parents would react to different situations, though flawed it might be.

2. Now football on the other hand. I believe the reason why I could not find the same passion for foot ball was a result of upbringing. As such my mindset is affected by it. As I grew up in a family where we spent very little contact with football as my father rarely watches football matches, I can never find the same passion and can not see the beauty of the sport. I believe it to be violent, due to the images portrayed by the media after the previous world cup riots, and I was left with a wronged and one sided impression.

3. I believe the reason why I see relationships, kinship and friendships in such a way is because from young I had a close knit family, with very little wants and my parents can and did satisfy my needs. Therefore I had a very comfortable life so far so I put a lesser importance in material needs. Another reason was because I had lost people who I loved, my grandfather. Therefore it had partially scarred me and I fear these losses. As the saying goes once bitten twice shy. Thus now I have a different perspective to this matter than I once had.

4. In conclusion, construal can affect the society when people having a different mindset as to what is to be done work together, conflicts can arise. On a larger scale, the Americans fear the terrorists due to their past experience with the 9/11 incident. Whereas the terrorist believe that the Americans are infidels and therefore unholy and are just simply corrupting their culture and beliefs.

Schemas narration:

1. In polytechnic, besides studies, the most common topic between friends is always boy girl relationships. And it is there where a extremely common schema can be found. Like currently in my immediate circle of friends, there is this guy and this girl. They had gotten very close, but are not involved in a relationship. And they are rather intimate, holding hands, leaning one’s head on the other’s shoulder etc.

2. A common stereotype in my class is related to the Korean trend, the guys calling any other guy who has long hair or dyed hair gay and faggots and the like. They believe the person to be as such, relating their physical appearance to what and how they are like.

Schemas reflection.

1. Commonly people relate these actions to a couple’s. therefore currently the most number of questions that they receive are, are the two of you together? People in the Asian world do not have the same easy attitude towards closeness to close friends of the opposite gender. So they believe when they see someone holding hands, they immediately believe they are together as the perspective is ingrained in the society, and influenced by the customs of the races in that place.

2. Once again, as a person’s expected image of someone is ingrained in him, he has developed a schema. Believing that once a person has and shows certain personalities and traits of the classifications and terminologies that people give like nerds, gays, lesbians etc, they naturally believe and think as such. My classmates are likewise. Though some of them are influenced by their upbringing, their culture.

3. In conclusion, schemas are affected by society’s viewpoints in general.

2010-07-07T06:39:00.000-07:00

its always in this cycle.....No. cycles would be more appropriate. as often i find and discover a place within me that is filled with pent up frustrations, anger, Pain.

then

it becomes another cycle, another cycle to numb it, to escape it. losing myself in both books and games, where my mind would have no place to wander, no strength to think of other stuff. fixing wholly on just that one thing.

and im starting to hate music. not the enjoyment of music.. but the lack of ability to enjoy it. or maybe its just more inner demons at work here. oh wells

2010-07-03T09:21:00.001-07:00

they would be the perfect pair, the differences balanced out and the acceptance levels at their highest.

2010-06-29T06:26:00.001-07:00

im sick of alot of things. i can't wait to move out, for one. i can't wait for this life to end, for another. trials after another. i guess its time i stop avoiding them. just face and the bleeding knock them over, one after another. it happens one after another. when would i bleeding learn? i hate it. i also hate the fact that kinship and friendship are most important to me. curse that thrice-accursed fact. time after time, its just all these nonsensical crap happening that wears and tears me apart. enough enough enough. i hate their reactions.

2010-06-29T00:32:00.000-07:00

couldn't slp last night after that talk i was just distracting myself with those books. then i was remembering the things of then. zzz too much dependency, too many eggs in this basket. lol. zzzz even with my eyes closed i was thinking this. i wan the friendship, not the relationship

2010-06-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

this holidays sucked. i to be honest, hoped for some quiet companionship. got that in one outta 14 days. there are few things that i enjoy more than companionship. i guess that was one of the things that i liked about landp. lol. i guess im just lonely. zzzzzzzzzz=.=

yeah sure, going out with friends was great. in fact more than great. it was outta the world. anna, van and soon had opened new perspectives for me to understand and comphrehend. its increasingly enjoyable to be normal again. no more liking. thats stupid. poly only. what do we know? like seriously. why bother emoing and moping over one person? lol. we still have 60 years laid out infront of us. thats kinda a waste right? well, always look on the good side of life! haha! we have the Lord. so whats there to fear? hahaha not ghosts, not life not anything! hahaha!

2010-06-18T23:53:00.000-07:00

hahaha! ytd i watched nanny McPhee and the big bang! was quite nice! so far, 9 days. watched 3 movies already! zzz i nearly wrote 10 by accident. imagine if thats true! zzzz crossing my fingers that that job thingy would be successful. 3 days for 168. i already know how to spend it. i need that spare cash. haha. now im slacking for what i also dunno. but very hot! that i do know. waiting to go church, leaving soon, but very tired still. Zzzzz TODAY went marchite reservior, walked from venus rd's car park to the suspension bridge and back. total? 7-8 km, 2 hours. on bike? 45 mins? zzzzzzz quite nice the place. sianz. forgot to bring camera. bring also cmi, cannot take macro. zzzz thats why i wan a dslr! ZZzzzzzz.

2010-06-15T03:53:00.000-07:00

the clouds are beautiful from my room. the light effect causes it to be like a painting.

oh well, the usual boring ' TODAY'

went shopping with my mum at vivo cause she took half day off. then i bought a wallet, 1 pants, 2 casual formal tees and one long sleeved shirt. took me an hour or so to finish fitting them all. and i stupidly wore a buttoned casual formal tee and JEANS there. can you imagine the hassel?!?! haha. zzz it was quite ex. but G2000 got offer so o wells! now waiting for aunt to bring me to church meeting. cause i dunno how to go! haha! well, i can't wait for our 'date' next mon. XP and i can't wait for tmw too! but i dunno tmw will got or not >< then tmw must chiong hw alr and play piano! haha!

2010-06-12T08:14:00.001-07:00

Zzzz its like the scenario in the hols totally shifted. to the oppositte =.= why can i have the best of both worlds? oh wells. >< it feels kinda weird.

2010-06-10T08:35:00.000-07:00

not a good day for me today. okay, that wasn't honest. the afternoon part was brilliant, the now part is like shit. for some reason im on the edge, blew twice whilst chatting. brilliant =.= and its for crapped up reasons. seriously i hate that. since 4 months ago, it comes and goes, comes and goes. i wish it would go for good. in fact, i should make it Go forever.

2010-06-08T05:53:00.000-07:00

hahaha im glad i made that mentality swtich from don't mind having one to i don't wan to get into one. ^^

2010-06-01T09:34:00.001-07:00

dear, ur one crazy crappot. =.=
hahaha!

2010-06-01T07:41:00.001-07:00

Yeh!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Woah!!! Lahhhhhhhh!!!

2010-05-31T04:41:00.000-07:00

i was mad. mad at myself for allowing me to get even more involved that i should. that i should had kept my distance. lol. and i just simply directed my anger at him. well that was the easy part. Lol. who was i kidding that she needed help? she can just solve her problems by herself, shes Older than me somemore. lol! i should had been confident in her ehh! hahahaha! as can i. im going to solve this dam problem by myself. mostly.

im tired. so dam bloody tired. i guess i had been running away from this, just burying it with tons of other things, not thinking about it really helped alot, but when im tired like now, my thoughts just seem to wander and it just goes around those few circles. nobody ever really knew why i got down and out whenever i get well, rejected. its actually just partially due to yeah me getting rejected. but mostly, in fact everytime, its just that im afraid that because of one dam change, in how i feel for someone, it would ruin and destroy the friendship. which is actually true for majority of the populace. oh well. one is only as happy as how he/she wans themself to be. so thats what im going to do! a smile on my face!

2010-05-29T08:21:00.001-07:00

a shared blog is not a shared blog if only one person posts on it. haha! which makes this blog so interesting for me! XP

2010-05-28T08:35:00.001-07:00

For some reason, ive been relatively down and out this week. dam tired. sianz la. rush this rush that. now im cui ttm!

hahahaha! you too dear! seeya around sch next wk sis (:

2010-05-28T06:10:00.000-07:00

* ^-^ Smile~~~~*

2010-05-27T18:17:00.000-07:00

i think for me i prefer to read posts that to write them. lol. like who doesn't?

2010-05-27T04:58:00.000-07:00

hahaha! just had quite a fun time sending sis home today. did tons of crazy stuffs, and tons of teasing within that 30 or isit 50 mins timespan? but dam tired.... im like practically dead.... stoning now too >< oh wells. tata! tmw going soon's house!

2010-05-26T05:46:00.000-07:00

lol. nice. XP

i like my phone. hehe

2010-05-26T04:09:00.001-07:00

=) NO MORE PRESENTATIONS !!!! YESH!!! =D

shut up and don't comment. im just writing my thoughts down to better think things through so SHUT UP if ur gonna comment.

2010-05-25T04:41:00.001-07:00

seriously.... clarence was right. so i vented all my anger, all my hurt and dumped every inch of blame on him. his pathetic though. he hasn't learnt how to move on. can i say the same thing about myself? lol. this is the thing about it all. can i hate somehow, yet at the same time still care for that person? lol. interesting and probable concept. im no longer a part of lsct society. in body yeah, but in spirit? in presence? i no longer know how to communicate with them, a huge part of them to say the truth. like seriously. i see qin yi, kim, hadrian etc... i have no idea what to say to them besides teh words hi and bye. i dunno. i feel like im drifting away from everyone. balancing everyone, or rather to be more accurate, trying to balance everyone is wearing me out, trying to help and things lidat is also wearing me out, doing the nonesencial crap is also wearing me out. oh wells enough stupid thinking now. im not myself, too tired. as usual nowadays =.=

2010-05-24T07:46:00.003-07:00

=.= on wed. i have 1 test, 1 report submissions.... AND TMW I HAVE TO STAY IN SCH TILL 6 for some stupid grad ushering! ><

2010-05-24T06:10:00.001-07:00

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...on Wed i have 2 tests n 2 presentations!!!!
Hehe..

2010-05-24T05:10:00.000-07:00

lol. u still can bring a smile to my face easily, without fail. ahahaha! im not! im full to the max! hehe

2010-05-23T23:42:00.001-07:00

I'm Hungryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

2010-05-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

LOL! grats sis for FINALLY completing ur critique. hehe. sianz sia. got alot of stuff in the next week. XP test, REPORTS. zomgosh. see ya around! (: (:

2010-05-21T08:26:00.001-07:00

haha. i share your pain >< shrek shrek shrek shrek shrek
fish and co fish and co fish and co.

haha! went out after sch with sm and christine. lol. we went to fish and co, the topic was the same from afternoon till night. downright interesting. haha! and and and.... we talked, i got scolded for not letting them get served by the waiter when i just walked to the reception thingy and tooked a menu for them. in the course of eating, dam blur sia. first drop something. then dropped ice. then drop veggie then drop this. =.= diao siol. haha then the girls had the sudden inspiration to watch shrek. and Wow. grace was also in the same theatre, same movie, but we didn't see each other till after the movie. at the toilet she just walked past me. lol. i called her name in both english and chinese, her friend heard the el one, she heard the chinese one. never notice me. =.= lol! then bused home in 154 in which we camwhored a little. like 10 pictures. ><

2010-05-21T06:47:00.000-07:00

NR NR NR NR NR NR NR NR NR
NSL NSL NSL NSL NSL NSL NSL
NS 1 NS 1 NS 1 NS 1 NS 1 NS 1 NS 1
NS 2 NS 2 NS 2 NS 2 NS 2 NS 2 NS 2
PHARM PHARM PHARM PHARM

2010-05-19T06:31:00.001-07:00

bloody hell.

tired.

2010-05-15T07:31:00.000-07:00

taking a leaf outta your own book. lol. experiences really shape and define us all. like past month, quite different from what i used to be. oh well. maybe, maybe not. who knows. im me and my judgement is affected by emotions. a bystander can make a better judgement.

dunno wut to post or talk about siol. haha so im just gonna talk with pictures. XP

2010-05-15T01:38:00.000-07:00

Stress Stress Stress !!!
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

just a little shift in my point of view XP

2010-05-14T09:17:00.000-07:00

im about to slp. but i suddenly had this thought in mind. well, i had alot of crushes. and some that became something more. and whenever it happened, and im close to that person... its always this thought thats in my mind. to be honest, this is the main thought in my mind. i well, do not place the accept or reject thing higher, than whether would the subsequent outcomes would be. whether would the friendship degenerate, whether would there be an awkwardness thereafter.... things lidat.
thats kinda the thing i emo about. USED TO. haha. its just a crucial switch, That switch in your mindset. looking at it as... oh she rejected me... im useless, its the end of the world, how many times must it happen before i meet 'Her'? , Gosh... i feel inferior. why did she choose him over me?

WE can think that.... or...

oh wells, look at the positive side! at least we are still friends, there are more things we can freely bluntly talk about, at least i gained a friend at the very least, that says something about who i am isn't it? just a crucial switch.... and things change. =p

haha im glad i met you. im so much more happier than i was last time. influence.... the crazy type. Hais. XP yeah true... there are times i still feel alone, down etc. like ytd i was feeling really alone thanks to that stupid movie we watched.... but then, well, that was only for a little while XP

looking at what i just wrote, i think i drew out this fact. i think im good at connecting with people, understanding how they feel by relating it to me... i think im quite empathatic. haha. i hope thats true. (:

2010-05-14T05:44:00.000-07:00

seriously.... i can't stand my mum most of the time. she has no freaking idea when not to say things, or the things she should say. like Hello?!? your the one with 40 years of life experiences. Not me. and i really don't get it, why does she always blame me for stuff that i didn't do? like kns sia. she just talks talks talks talks. when can she stop and think and not do her work all day long?

suprised once more.

2010-05-13T08:14:00.000-07:00

lol. ive been through like.... okay lar. more like an eye opener. people are need company than they more than care to admit. those that don't.... i wonder what they are. for some reason, that video affected me in more ways that i can imagine. lol. just exaggrating. it was a love movie about this couple who started off hating each other. in the end they somehow took 12 years to know each other and became friends. LOL and they got married 2 years later after dating for 3 months. lmaoz....

this morning my group members came over to take pics of this and that to make into a video.... hais. i don't feel like talking anymore. not myself. >< bye!

sianz. i wished it was the same with all my friends. that im able to feel companionship with them. why can't people just take a walk or just sit down together without the need to talk? like just enjoy each other's company. i miss those times i shared with her. and seriously la. this is ridiculous.

a post after a while

2010-05-12T08:59:00.001-07:00

starting off this post with a shingz XP

haha. jiayous jia yous jiayous. XP left with 2 -3 right? gogogo! (:
i find that this blog... is kinda a place where i come to rant.... obviously.... to say things that are on my mind. happy things i post once in a blue moon, when im not feeling lazy... but other than that... lol. people would find this one emo blog XP oh wells...... time to upload some pics. after sooo very long

this is like a book. a book, with me being the narrator.

walking with me under these lush canopies

2010-05-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

Projects Projects Projects !!! Wah....need 2 chiong ah !!!

2010-05-07T22:46:00.000-07:00

lol. so what i got rejected. we still can be good friends, good siblings. friendship between the two genders is not limited to simply bgr. it can be something else as well. lol. im not myself these two days. lack of slp, emotions are running a little high. im tired too. im so tired. at least im no longer lonely. lol.

2010-05-03T16:44:00.000-07:00

yesterday was urgh.... so freaking long from 9 to 6. at least not 8 TO 6 that would be urgh...

2010-05-02T05:42:00.000-07:00

diao.... i took a tumble today. rang ni jian xiao le. =.= ahahahaha stupid badminton racket =.=

lol. i liked the sitting down at the beach again. ahahaha reminds me of the clarke quay times. ahahahaha. hehe

(: (: (: (: :D XP =P =D C: :)

2010-04-30T23:07:00.000-07:00

i miss you. tehehehehe. =p

2010-04-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

:D C: ^_^ (:

2010-04-29T07:20:00.000-07:00

haha. (: you should smile(: im smiling from ytd. whereas u had been down, and out pouts* haha. go gaga haha mama baba. hahahahahaha! =p

Smile smile smile C:

2010-04-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

Wahahahahhahahaha!!!

2010-04-27T05:18:00.000-07:00

dunno why i blew my top and shouted at you virtually. once a friend told me, that when people gets distanced btw them (improper el but u get the idea? hopefully u do), they use shouting to communicate. like now.... i no longer understand you like i used to. everything you do seems.... like very distant alr. like we two had become two strangers alr. lolololol...... i wish there are other topics besides the crappy bgrs that we can talk about. hais. but oh wells. life sucks, and some things would never be the same again. just like my friendship with qy, its different alr. or at least it seems different. i hope it changes soon..... i hope i stay normal. i Have no bleeding idea... HOW THE HECK DID I LOSE CONTROL =.= WHATTHESHIT?!?! i was like dam high? like at the top of the world on sun. =.= kannasai =.= XP sorry about today ehh.

2010-04-26T07:32:00.000-07:00

lol. im not myself these two days. dam effed up. with some people outta my life, it would be great. literally. i think some ppl would read this would get the wrong idea etc but well, im hecking. wutever man.

2010-04-25T06:06:00.000-07:00

i no longer understand her. thus, im not going to bother, or to dip my hands into it again. no one's asking me to anyway. concern? its gone to the stadge of ridicule. who knows what is correct or wrong? im turning to logic for an answer in that. advice i gave, was grounded in logic. or so i believe. take it if u wan, don't wan also not my prob. cause no longer should i bother or care. why let someone else's problem become your own? that was what happened to be a couple of times in the past. i see no point, If it keeps repeating. water would always flow downstream, evaporate into the skies, comes back as precipitation. no matter what u do, an external force, nothing can change the cycle. so why make that wasted effort? LOL. better not to.

dotty day sia =.=

2010-04-23T07:33:00.000-07:00

lol.... seriously its getting quite Dots.... when the person u like does not like u back.... BUT their mums do =.= LOL! oh wells.

ytd had an In-ter-es-ting lesson. lol. is cher told us some really funny stories... had some activities... and well open sharing kinda thing on some issues relating to bgrs. went for dance for fund, practically covered my ears throughout =.= missed the lsct PART WUT THE SHIT =.= went to meet up with her to send her back again.... then went back homed and COM-ed LOL.

today.... we ended lab early, went to studio 27 played far cry. i suck at it seriously. LOL highest number of kills? 6. snipe this snipe tt. all i know how to do. LOL then.. had lessons then.... went to lot 1 with pea. well, i waited alot AS USUAL..... was at clementi mrt reading a book for 15 - 20 mins around there, then stayed in cck mrt for another 15-20 mins. she shopped around for clothes, i was her shadow. LOL was quite quick lei. lol. as usual finished her leftovers.... im becoming a dustbin +.+ DUSTBIN I TELL U! =.= had bobochacha.... not so gd. my maid's one? BETTER! then then..... we had an interesting talk.... not gonna write any of it here... a bit weird sia.. and private lur. hmm.... ive broken alot of my records. go out 8-12 times in the matter of 7 weeks, sent someone home for 5 days straight... etc etc. wut a day! dam tired, had tons of laughs and oh yeah.... i just rmbed something that well.... nevermind.. don't wanna talk about it. its does nothing but miffs me. oh wells. tata for tonight (:

sometimes, its best to end things when u know they can't work out, to really get over it and be done with it then wanting to go back in again and again, akin to playing a game, and pressing the restart button.

2010-04-23T00:04:00.001-07:00

im feeling quite dead now.... feeling so sleepy.... i can feel you pain says jia jia..... and i can't wait for this to be over. tata.

compilation of thoughts.

2010-04-20T06:44:00.000-07:00

lol. schs been quite dry these few days... been nice meeting the freshies here and there... been nice having the usual crap again like DAM YOU....been nice sending her home... not nice parts are the bastarding by one asshole named JOSHUA BENJAMIN ARAVIN =.= stupid ass.....

n transition into serious phase? LOL

its kinda been a whirl for me these few days, things passing so quickly im losing track of time. im feeling quite weary for some reason but all the same stuffs been working out. but i need to be consitient. Must work hard alr. im getting confused again but i think i would figure them out in time. well, joined a new cca, toastmasters.... but i think im not going for strings after all. i have my flute to master too. well. sianz lar, i lost my wallet. bought a new ezlink card today XP

under the stars, under the clouds.
under the rose petals, under the thorns.
under the fallen leaves, under the pond surface.
under the dark abyss, under the soil itself.
under the sinking ground, under the silvery moonlight.

2010-04-16T06:51:00.000-07:00

today left house at 930 went to pick sis up to come to my place. LOL reached 15 mins early so sat downstairs to wait. then she smsed me telling me shes coming down, then i went up to 11 floor came down wanting to scare her... but she clever sia... forecasted it alr.LOL then walking to my place, the usual COMPLAING LONG, COMPLAINGING HOT. lol reached my place, we started off with piano....then com and sing, then chess then webcam then pokey dokey.LOL! poke poke poke poker face! ==.== stupid sia. i was lying on my bed resting, then dear little annoyingly baby sis turn the webcam at me =.= dam ps lar. then i took unglam pics of her as revenge. hehehehe then we bored liao went to city vibe, where i bought a box to put my present in, tako. then we went to big bookstore for i dunno what in the world for. okay then reached west coast plaza bought sushi and ate somewhere in the mall on some benches. seriously i think it was bad idea. >< too much i ate ice cream too HEHE! then i poked her again. lOl funny sia your reactions. LOL then we waited for her mum and sis, then we went to fish and co, urgh fish too oily >< now i feel like puking RIGHT NOW.... we were having a poking session thereafter. LOLOLOL oh wells had tons of fun today. i feel like facepalming at the web cam crap =.= oh wells. nights baltimore! (:

2010-04-15T09:57:00.000-07:00

had tons of fun during the camp. LIKED MY GROUP LIKE REALLY ALOT MANZ. though a little quiet, but they were awesome! as usual i hated the cheers, enjoyed the freshie's company. seeing her made me feel the oppositte of wut i expected, whilst the other was totally expected.(: oh wells. can't wait for tmw. gonna spend the entire day at my house playing the piano etc. then Dinner at fish and co! haha! can't wait! bye!

if your bored or tired of this friendship, shouldn't u end it then?? why do u keep thinking from the start its gonna fail etc? why so little trust in yourself and ME? and im getting dam tired and irked by you during the camp. like seriously, wts? u talk to me, then u ignore me, then talk to me than ignore me. so whats the bleeding problem? at least i fufiled a promise i made to my other friends in society. stay for foc. is there even a need for promises? LOL are we like pegs to hold us each other pegged down? like i really wonder what the fuck is going on sometimes, when suddenly u talk to me more than normal, then sometimes when i just wan a simple talk With no relation to any of our problems, go silent. like had we dropped to the state of oil and water? we are able to communicate our problems to one another, but we can't do anything else. this is getting really damming and annoying. if u don't wan to talk, tell me lar. like i can't vanish from your life lidat. Don't just fucking use me as a tool treating me like a fool. im not Your tool. im your friend. Don't push it. even though we are not just simple normal friends but still, watch it. I TOO have my LIMITS.

maybe im just dam tired and in need of rest and am not thinking straight. heck it. time to slp.

just a random spot of philosophical thinking (:

2010-04-05T05:17:00.000-07:00

today during lunch, or rather their lunch, i said this. i understand your problem as i can see it. by the problem i meant his girl friend. lol. though thats only a part of the cake. what i really do mean is that your bf or gf is an additional burden, a added bit of baggage, but thats what makes it really worth it. the magic of being able to transverse both good and bad times. time spent with your 'trouble' is more than enough to compensate for that little bit of trouble. lol. trouble? nah. it would be a pleasure. its a pleasure to listen, to help. its that value of companionship that makes it one of a kind. i think. all the above is just philosophical thinking.lol. after all, i have no experience in it. but being one who is really affected by this emotion called loneliness, thats wut i believe. haha (:

2010-04-04T22:26:00.001-07:00

dam cui.

2010-04-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

i like spending time with someone IS not equals to i like that person. i think i think i think. I think i should think deeper, not more. =.=

2010-04-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

hais. woke up at 4 today =.= like omgoodness..... so early couldn't slp well these past two days >< then then went for some church service.... okay lar. their easter sunday's celebrations. prefer my cis's services. i mean its like they are linking the bible to the things they are doing, not the other way around. the food was good though. it was at shangri la. =.= waste of money sia.anyways i had like 4 -5 rounds, ate tons of sushi hehe and ice cream and mussels! >< nice lunch. super bloated. hehe!

a catrostophically planned dayXP

2010-04-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

well, to be honest, today, was planned. and somehow it wasn't as well, Quirky as a random day! hehe! cause we did tons of random things (: so city hall ehh? hmm went there, walked in raffles city..... window shopped as usual, talk, this thing that thing.then we went to prints in city link hehe. i like tt shop. my favourite shop (: then then.... went to marina square, walked a little then went to eat dinner. AT 4 plus. >< super early sia ordered fish cutlet, two honey lemon iced tea like always.... and then tofu with century egg And beancurd. TOFU WAS SUPER SALTY, BEANCURD WAS SUPER SWEET and the fish cutlet. hehe. i knew u wouldn't be able to finish. XP as usual too. then we walked somemore, then well, kinda bored of the place le, so we thought of going to somewhere to get some stuffs so went to imm's daiso. reached le, walked about and somebody managed to find something she wanted again. see go out with me twice ehh, and both times got something u wanted. hehe. then i wanted to go clarke quay, then thats where we went. but somehow, i was kinda deprived of logic. it was raining everwhere so everywhere's wet. why am i so SLOW AND STUPID today and ytd? uber blur too then we walked around got sianzed and trained back to clementi. PS ehhs! then the usual bus to and back to west coast and to home. was STUCK OUTSIDE IN THE TRAIN AGAIN =.= oh wells. (: thus ends one PLANNED day. hehe

tonight, i celebrate my love for you. EHH anyone got this song sia? i want it! hehe. i like the melody (:(:

2010-03-29T19:53:00.001-07:00

im feeling dam bored. like seriously.....yawns* stupid society stuff=.=

a bullshit filled day but with great fun and laughter AS ALWAYS (:

2010-03-29T05:04:00.001-07:00

=.= i just realised pearle is a sadist =.= she loves me getting into trouble sia.....anyhow say only (by pearle) so today woke up at 7 and went to sgh with my grandmother for usual check up. then thereafter sent back alr. then went to nuh. ohmygosh i still find it small. had time to rush to some shengsiong to buy chocolates. then i thought i was going to be late but i still HAD time to go mr bean to have a nice chocolate pancake and soya bean milk. and there after i met my dearest sweetest pearle (said by pearle) then we went and hopped onto 97 WHICH somebody said it doesn't go to her house. oh and she just said EHh i really dunno can lei. then we went to her house, PIANOED all the way till 5=.= THEN. reversi AS USUAL XP and she won ONE round ONLY. whereas okay. i also won one round only Pouts* cause i was distracted by somebody's sister. then thereafterwards played uno. I WON! then we played connect four. and the two sisters won. then we had dinner, FRIED RICE AGAIN =.= and i helped her finished AGAIN. she ate only like wut one quarter. >< oh yeah. her ribena. oaky lur. not say so sweet. but i like. cause not sour. (: oh wells. i just got called good boy=.= AGAIN. hais. so thus today ends. (:(:

edit: i pressed the wrong button in the lift=.= door close pressed alarm instead. clever ehh! =.=

a brilliant day out (:

2010-03-27T07:22:00.000-07:00

today morning had piano lesson dam boring ><

then in the afternoon, RANDOMLY, asked ehh u wanna go out? lol and so we went out! walked around vivo, talkin talkin talkin dunno where we went sia. really messy. walked here walked there, keep suaning each other and laughing like crazy! haha. then then we went to eat. bought sushi, asked EHH U CAN EAT EGGS RIGHT? bought some without meat in them..... then realised she didn't wan any =.= epic fail on my part. LOL then went to providence. YUM! okay lur. not say very nice. but not bad! but no melon bun >< at 6 items from those areas. then we went to this restraunt/ dining shop to eat. ahahaha! i like the baked rice! VERY thick layer of cheese! we were talking about how one of our friends is crazy about that shop. haha! then then she couldn't finish, i helped her finish. lol i seem to had become the dustbin for my friends >< thereafter we went walk for somemore, then she wanted to buy a gift for her mum. then we were on the train to outram when i asked, ehh wan follow me to clarke quay? lol. i went there searching for sticky! (: ps ehhs! we found the shop after walking PAST it =.= and then she found a wallet that she liked alot. lol. we went to the river side sat down and just talked and sight see. (literal, not figuratively ) quite a nice place to hang out (: then mrted home. then bused there, bought a drink and back home for me.

WAIT. the story gets better. I GOT STUCK OUTSIDE MY HOUSE, NO KEY, PARENTS WERE STILL AT MY GRANDMOTHER"S HOUSE IN THE EAST =.= walked to my grandfather's house just up the hill and then waited for them. reached at 10 sia. quite fast (: now im just gonna slp alr. i think. tata!

pimplated nose. OUCH!

2010-03-25T05:02:00.000-07:00

recently i had been doing random stuff. by random i mean really random. its been a pleasure being hyper and high around some people, around others its nicer just listening. im not a humorous person but rather i managed to obtain a 'mindset' to laugh easily. kinda one of my few ways of destressing.

when im facing problems or having an EMOTIONAL CRISIS (LOL AT TT), what is one of the best cures for me is to listen to someone( preferably) or talk to someone who makes me high and hyper (just as preferably), not related to the the reasons for it. as in that helps. cause normally it just keeps building up within, cause i think about it, so it goes one circle and back, and just increases in the intensity. one of the ways ive found out that helps alot is understanding. understanding the reasons of the other party, no matter how much i loathe a person,dam it i would still be concerned about that person, worried even =.= which is stupid.

OW! im going. AHH CHOO! OW. AHH CHOO! OWWW! >< diagnoistics run completed. status: neck pain, diaphrgm pain, shoulders pain. ROAR!

2010-02-24T15:41:00.000-08:00

ehhh sorry sia! dam ps! sorry for pissing u off this morning! im very messed up right now. sorry! sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry! :S

okay. how messed up i am now? very. theres still that great weight on my chest that is present since ytd morning.

2010-02-24T06:57:00.000-08:00

im feeling very beat. today's convers......2 tired me, which one of them rejuvinated me thereafter and another seperate conver rejuvinated me a little. lol.... i hate back stabbing. i hate being in the middle. im currently in 3 middles =.= brilliant. and why do they all revolve around the same people? or rather person? ME??? dam stupid.

and those that can read this, PLEASE keep this to yourself.... For obvious reasons.

2010-02-23T17:35:00.000-08:00

i hate the situation lidat. i hate it for a couple of reasons. im trying my best to restraint etc. and i had done so. to a pretty good extent. he finds that im still bugging her. why doesn't he get the point that we are not just ordinary friends. like seriously??? im treating her the same as i had before it happened. well, pretty much similar as far as i can remember. with subtle differences like not speaking to her in front of him, nor close contacts etc. seriously, that sucks. i hate feeling concern yet ALSO SUPPRESSING CONCERN? thats total bullshit. like wut sia, she looks down, normally i would just ask are you okay that kinda thing. but now wut, mouthing words, sms? WTF. literally. if i let my hurt etc speak, she would be hearing all the reasons why not to. after all, im stuck between in the middle of two situations now. within and externally. and they don't even know the entire story. LOL. and he says.........your style, is fucking pissing me off. im WARNING you, draw a CLEAR line. not speaking normally in front of him is Considered weird alr for the both of us. dam it lar. this is not annoying, its a pain in the neck. his a pain in the neck.

and those that can read this, PLEASE keep this to yourself.... For obvious reasons.

2010-02-22T03:16:00.000-08:00

okay. i need a cooling off period. literally. im worn. i need a rest. the hols are a good time. time for me to slp and rest. hopefully i would recover! (:

the easiest to ruin a friendship with me is to breach that trust.

2010-02-20T06:29:00.001-08:00

i used to give myself physical pain when i was hurt emotionally. rubber band on wrist, just keep pulling and releasing it. drinking alot of water, 7 bottles around there, before puking. lol.

how ive changed. from that immature kid to now.

i need to take it in my stride and move on now.... no matter how alluring you are, a birdsong to my heart, no matter how much you do mean to me, there is more than one star in the sky. no matter how brightly you shine, there are also other stars and i should not be blinded by one star to be unable to see the rest. i should not be holding on now, not suppressing my hurt, my emotions and my jealousy, not just pressing downs on the many wounds in my heart, but rather apply the medication and bandages. this hurt would heal in time. but like the two before this, i think the scars would remain. make that three times. lost a family member, got rejected by a close friend, lost a friend due to misunderstandings. lol... spent months to years to get over them.

lol. most of the time, the analogies that i give here are mostly. only understood by myself. and maybe my closest friends. but well, this analogy however is super obvious isn't it? XP

i would just continue to care for you. that is what it should be. i guess? im bleeding within. probably for a long time to come. any tears? they would be for no one to see, only for me to know

a letter to my grandmother.

2010-02-19T23:09:00.000-08:00

its been so long since you saw me come out of my mother's womb. its been nigh on 18 years since that event occured. through this period, ive gone through a lot of trying periods. now is one of them. i still remember how i used to call you whenever i was bored, how you and grandfather used to bring me out for walks at ecp and at the playgrounds. i remember all the times which i really regret when he passed on as well. going to the hospital to visit him but ending up watching tv, throwing his pen at the wall when i was in primary one in anger after him teaching me, after travelling all the way to the west. how he sent me to some tuition or enrichment centre, always parking at the road shoulder waiting for the ERP timing to end. and when i heard it, i was shocked. i knew people would eventually move on, but i never expected it so soon. it made me realise how fragile our lives are. how easily they become shattered. when we were at the crematory, and when i was watching the coffin go in, these were the words i whispered. I love you grandfather. i love you so much.

so when i heard you were going for an operation, i can't help but start to worry. even during my paper, i ended up thinking about it all. and when i went to see you on fri, it just reminded me of back then, especially with the pulse measuring item on the finger, with all the tubes and wires. it made me just so very scared. scared of the worst, scared of losing you. i do not want to not say those words to you before its too late, so grandmother, i love you so much, thanks for all the things you had done for me, literally and sincerely.

i fear loss. that is my biggest fear. lost of friends, those true ones, church friends, close ones, lost of family members. which was why i was so worried and am still worried now. i don't want it to change, but i also must accept that change is a constant thing. but i just hope our friendship is not affected. lol. how ironic, we think along the same lines for many a thing, i understand what she means and her reasons for it as well. now i understand the conflict she felt then. understanding indeed comes with time.

2010-02-19T18:18:00.000-08:00

what ive been doing for the past three weeks since that wed was more or less, attempt to control, give her advice on how best to proceed, shield her from the reprecausions from friends, battling within as well. all for what? to see her smile? to see her happy and unfettered? yeah... im stupid arn't i? well, isit time to take backseat? maybe..... maybe not. see first. i would always be there for you to help, even when im also very weary. im sick of life once again. at another very low point, which i hadn't reached since sec 1 and 3. pouts* XP

im on the edge of quitting society too, its getting really stupid. last training then, spent the entire session doing what? Learning how to make on stupid mat? like lol..... traditions are made to be broken, stupidity is not knowing how to change in relation to time. or rather, there are reasons why people do quit, tackle those roots and won't there be more man power? ive stayed so far is so not to pang sei my friends adding on to the manpower shortage. but im at the limit of my patience for just so many things. respect for some of the sgls are also keeping me in, my friends. but i think if there are agls coming for the trainings, lol.... i think i would probably walk out. after all, thats what i nearly wanted to do during otc.

you can't have the best of two worlds. compromises are needed to be made somewhere.

2010-02-19T08:00:00.000-08:00

shit for bstats. not going to say much regarding that. no point.

chionged down to hospital, was damit, ive found another person that i gave the look to. zomgosh =.= was just very worried, couldn't even meet her gaze for more than a few seconds. my legs are still hurting now =.=

his pissing me off. im at my limit. in fact im sick of the entire situation alr. seriously, if that continues, im just gonna literally go solo. who knows? i may actually be more happy then. there is more than one rose in the bed of roses, some roses are red, black and blue. ive been picking black roses so far. why i wonder? cause they are exquisite? or am i just plain stupid?

2010-02-19T07:06:00.001-08:00

spots? maybe by dissapearing, a wall would be gone. then there would be no middle to get stuck in right?

random thought.

2010-02-18T06:19:00.000-08:00

omgeez. im getting influenced by qy? not a good thing XP

well, had a talk with her just now. dunno how it started. random too! HAHA! okay.... my sis just walked into my room, and said rawr with her hair covering her face. LOLS oh wells back to topic.

so we somehow for some reason were talking about bgrs. okay. kinda expected? oh wells so right. i said, i realised something, that bgrs cannot be solely dependent on feelings. cause well, obviously feelings change over time. but the other aspect, infact an important component is the bond, the empathy, the care and concern, the patience, the trust and above all, the independency.
obviously that partner does not make up a component of you. cause ur u, she she. but rather, that partner complements you. not like without that person, 'OH i cannot continue on' or 'shes essential in my life! without her i cannot live'. okay thats just plain stupid and immature. if cannot make it, come on, look at it from another angle. if cannot be a couple, why not close friends? haha. feelings can come and go, unexpectedly or expectedly, from viewing my friends and on a personal level. but there after, it depends on the two to maintain it. LOL! i sound like a love adviser=.= but lol. im discovering something new in a totally new enviroment. blogging these few days had helped me straighten my thinking. not like i have the FEEL then just rant and rant. but rather it helped me collect my thoughts. lol. emo attacks? once in a while. CONSTANTLY EMO? pouts* and Go and die! XP kai en the EMOER IS GONE! always always always. XP no longer coming back. (: haha!

is not that ive learnt how to kan kai. more like ive learnt the first step to acceptance (: haha! guess im always gonna be older than you in thinking? haha!

hmmm recollections ehh?

2010-02-18T03:17:00.001-08:00

hmm. this time, had 5 emo attacks. lol. ive grown so much. used to be a daily one for couple of weeks onwards. well... i know now that im nearly ready for a bgr but Not yet ready. haha. oh wells. why hunger for that something extra? no point right? NOW CHIONG AH! ta. haha. a song that came to my mind outta the blue. with the constant at the beginning playing in my head as well, kinda unexpectedly expected that it would pop out sooner or later (: haha!

right here waiting:

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' CrAzY

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' cRaZy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

2010-02-16T06:05:00.001-08:00

there are a couple of reasons why im a christian. well, first, alot of the things within the bible is supported by scientific discoveries and proof. and the bible is also filled with wisdom. IF you can understand what its talking about of course.... for example 1 Cor 13: 4-7.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, It is not rude, It is not self seeking, It is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs. Loves does not delight in evil, But rejoices in truth. It will always protects, always trust, Always hopes, Always perservres.

well, it teaches, and its great to have someone you can talk to anytime anywhere. though he does not reply, but trust in him, and all would be well. ive wandered from him recently. yet He had gave me a gift, which is to know such a great friend as you are. (: fortunate i am? yes, very fortunate. undeservingly so.

im able to relate to the melody. without the words, i can see a story behind it. and be filled with emotions accordingly. (:

bluntness is something that one would enjoy don't they? beating around the bush is just all so tiring. haha!

2010-02-16T05:38:00.001-08:00

lol. to be honest, i never had learnt a song so quickly before. but then again..... it was easy and sounds nice slowly. so oh wells. im practising crocodile march or something lidat... DAM HARD =.= e sharp to f sharp. like omgoodness......

and im trying to find custom made music boxes. need to get a gift for my parents.... i discounted the dinner in the flyer... UBER EX =.= 300++ -.- like omgoodness lor. pouts*

Happy friendship day!

2010-02-14T06:13:00.000-08:00

haha! so what if i have no valentimes this year? LOL! at least i can celebrate two occasions as well! MUHAHAHAHA! happy CHINESE NEW YEAR! may your takings be more than mine! XP and also Happy friendship day! to a long list of people. well, lets start. to lester, yee mun, ben, annabel, shi ying, hui ling, grace, janice, jeremy, jia en, mervyn ,andreas, aven, si yun, clarence, ken, christine, sandi, wei jie, kim, qin yi, kah ho, zoe, ben, elvina, jb, arnold, neo AH YAH i give up! just HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY EVERYONE! HAHAHAHA! all the best to the emerging couples as well! haha!

and its in order of primary school, sec sch and poly. haha XP

2010-02-12T04:38:00.000-08:00

well, today we went to sch,

had remedial with cspy, couldn't get a thing in thanks to zc asking i dunno wut. i hear i got confused. and i don't have any questions intended to ask her to go through 7-10 =.=. oh wells. thereafter i went to the library, .........never noticed you all in the room if not i probably had zao liao. wanted to be alone then. and yeah... i was watching de grayman. lol.

thereafter we headed down to orchard,

went far east first to look at the things i probably would be buying to make one for her birthday. well.... alot of ideas came to mind. how to make it more symbolic as well. Music! haha.

then moved to ion.
saw kah ho's twin aka jiajia's bro. had mushroom cheese creep for lunch, walked here walked there, then walked to the atash area of ion. woah. i like that place. haha. got one art shop with wooden figurines. music boxes from 70 onwards, cheapest item was 40 plus bucks. im gonna get one of those in time. (: most ex was 2k i nearly wanted to faint then -.- then went to this really nice cafe within a bookstore. haha. one of these days all five of my cliques should head there. haha! primary school, secondary school, church, class and of course society. haha! well... thereafter i went into Prints and fufilled my promise to sy yesterday about the black book. i hope he didn't take it the other way around. well, and why am i worrying about how he would feel? cause his a friend.

my life is one made up of sacrifices for people. thats my purpose. i often do fail. but im not going to give up.

2010-02-11T06:16:00.000-08:00

well, my last post would seem very weird to anyone who reads it unless they know the back ground story. but well, im just gonna talk about it in our blog okay? haha. oh wells. updating it for the second time today. (:

thank you Lord, for giving me so much in the form of a friend.

2010-02-11T05:13:00.001-08:00

i was taking a shower when i realised something. i have no more wants. my only greatest want had been fufilled. that is ive found someone who actually can connect with me, understand and accept me. trust without reservation, share intimate details with each other. like a lock and key. that is why im content with my lot. (:

2nd time ive posted today. (:

2010-02-10T08:15:00.001-08:00

the hollowness within has reformed. and this time is due to another. neglecting others sucks seriously.

a short one.

2010-02-10T02:32:00.001-08:00

hais. im dam tired. its quite a good day for today. not for some of my close friends, which kinda made me a little low but well, for me it was. well for one, i had a really long and meaningful talk with a friend, trying to cheer her up etc another one would be my biostats results! haha. i was dam afraid i was not able to pass. now need work hard pass eoy definte pass le (:

reminders.

2010-02-09T03:55:00.000-08:00

today was urgh. erm. let me clarify. it was urgh because of more or less something. they were talking about passings. and once again i was reminded of my grandfather's passing. zzzzz

well, lets zoom back. hospitalized from i think dec or jan in 2004 or 2005 respectively. i was just doing one thing then. gaming all day long. when my parents went to visit him, i just stayed at home to continue playing. when i do go and visit him, all i do is watch tv. at the time, i still had that sense of security, that bubble of safety, that assured me that nothing is going to happen to him, and i never knew how serious his condition was till it happened, on 21 april, 2005. it was speech day then. just ended performance. i was so happy and excited, borrowing jeremy's hp to ask my parents whether i could stay back for the pizza. then i heard the news. my mind was immediatly filled with this thought. its not true, its not true, it them just joking with me. i slammed my hand aganist the railing and kicked the wall. then through out the mrt ride, 38 mins long from clementi to kembangan i only had a thought and was in SELF denial. which was the same thought. when i reached my grandparent's house, i just literally went plop beside the stairs and started to cry, shocked to the bone.i still remembered i and a classmate fought when he was teasing me then. i just wanted to break his neck then. i still remember me crying in the toilet when i heard that he had left each of us grandchildren 5k. i just went, I DON'T WANT your money. I WANT YOUR PRESENCE! i still remember thinking of the past times when i really had a great time talking with him, his company, and also the things i really regretted doing. and most of all, as i watch the coffin go in, i said these words. I love you grandfather. I love you.

well, this clique is unique. haha. there are stuff we should do, like go overseas together AT LEAST ONCE! haha! an idea from one of them. lols. we do super random stuff like origianlly say wan go sunset to eat, then become bukit panjang. lol. talking about ghost stories as well. haha i guess my its just the thing of the mind thing which is why it doesn't affect me much. like i physco myself into beliving that it is not true. haha. XPXP

2010-02-08T04:05:00.001-08:00

lol. and don't u just love it, when the place where you would had expected the most amount of concern when you need them, but theres neligable amounts from there? its obvious from my postings in facebook, but when i stay back on sats all they always say is complain about what my status is about how i phrased it, why did i even say something lidat. and how you love it when concern just comes from the unexpected channels. and some expected ones. when they just ask you are you okay when u really need that little push.

2010-02-08T03:16:00.000-08:00

walked home again. DAM lar. i need to control my emotions like better. what the shit?????? totally lost it just now. emoed and was bleeding short tempered like what the crap. still lidat. EVEN AFTER WALKING HOME FROM SCH. even my favourite ice cream tasted like crap. i need to DO IT LIKE now to control,i need to be able to face it without being affected. ive accepted it, but dam it. it just comes out. and fuck it, even my gramamer is like crap now. wtfshit? was able to do it this morning. why not just now???i think i need to slp earlier. my cui-ness was one of the reasons why i was lidat. URGH. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck it.

update:
i know i made the correct choice. seeing her smiles when she sees his smses, the look upon her face when i tease her about it. i just need more time. a little more time.
updated our blog, and lol...im actually blasting music from my laptop now. emo music. lol. i know why u like them now. relate to oneself.

and it happens, once again.

2010-02-03T06:34:00.000-08:00

well, today sucks. Like real uber big time. first was prac. next was a rejection. oh wells. im gonna face it not like a child, not emo emo all day long but well, i just respect her decision and well, REMAIN close friends. i think that is what both of us hope for outta all these. just let me vent it out here.

well, shucks about biostats. i know the result pretty much alr, and dam it lor. okay move on to training. i went to training with attitude. okay, somehow i expected it and well, it was a good way to vent it all out. and well, i did for the first part. the pt and stuff. next for the part making the stupid mat which i thought it a total waste of time was just me spacing out. i was literally slping with my eyes and faculties still working.

and now for a song that i completed today. infact just now.

of the stars in the sky,
you're the one that had done,
the one that had captured,
and ensnared me with love.

of the moon in the sky,
i would sing it to you,
of the wonders ive met,
your the one that i treasure,
your the sweetest of all that ive had.

now i look up and sigh,
and long for the floods,
down the once traveled tracks,
but there is no trickle.

it seems to be withhold,
giving great pressure,
through the me i see in the mirror,
mocking laughter comes through.

time after time,
hurt after hurt,
now i just wish for a gift,
the gift of celibacy.

i seemed to had lost my ability to cry. instead, on the way home, i was simply laughing at myself, at my own foolishness and stupidity.

this hurt more than the previous one, as i begun that with the expectation of it being rejected. but now, i started this with a spark of hope. and now im just dejected.and im just lying to myself that i don't care, that it isn't really affecting me. i realised it 3 days ago, and it ended. short and sweet. at least its over. back to normal i Hope